Home Church Help

This article will be hard to hear for many. Many will disagree with at least some parts. Therefore, I want to preface it with a few statements so that some foundational thoughts will be laid in the mind of the reader as you move through the article.

My wife is a true gift from God. She is beautiful. She is sweet and absolutely wonderful to me. I would not want to go through this life without her. I cherish my wife in every way. She has wisdom from God. She is tremendously gifted. She has mentored many younger ladies. She is a comfort to me during my trials. She often speaks truth to me when I am out of my mind. I enjoy blessing her, giving to her, and helping her with daily tasks. My wife is my best friend. There is no one that loves me and knows me like she does. We make a home together, we have raised four children together, we work together and we enjoy life together. We have been happily married for 35 years. I thank Jesus for giving my wife to me. Please remember these things as we dive into the contents of this article.

The Feminized Man

It is easy for a man in our modern culture to become feminized. A feminized man has given up his normal and natural role of male functioning, male feelings, and male thinking. In many ways, our modern society has determined it is wrong for men to truly be men.

In today’s thinking it is often thought of as “controlling” for a man to be dominant. It can be considered unloving and inconsiderate to lead with confidence and with strength. Modern culture has decided what it means for a man to lay down his life and love his wife – he must follow his wife and give her what she wants. This is not love. The definitions of love and leadership have become twisted.

1Pe 3:7 – “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”

Peter reminds husbands in the first century that their wives are fellow heirs. Why did he have to do this? Because it can be easy to discount what is weaker. In today’s society, men hardly need to be told that women are fellow heirs. Women are often seen as the stronger vessel.  

Imagine telling a Christian man these days, “Remember that your wife is also a part of God’s plan, she is important too, she is a fellow heir”. Really? Many Christian men see the wife as ALL important. The wife runs the household, the wife keeps the checkbook, the wife pays the bills and handles the family finances. Some men have to ask their wife for permission to spend money for this or that. Some wives give their husbands a financial “allowance”. The wife is often the final authority for decision making for all family matters. She is the gatekeeper and she holds the keys. The modern wife often holds all the power in the family. “Dad, can the kids do this or that? I don’t know, ask your Mom”. Many men can’t make any decisions without asking their wife. The wife is often considered to be smarter, more responsible, more qualified, having more wisdom – the stronger vessel.   

Men are considered the weaker vessel to many. Men are often thought of as not as efficient as women or able to make sound responsible decisions on their own. The man who is committed to “loving” his wife is often docile, passive, and scurries around solely as a wife pleaser because his wife is seen as superior to himself. The church has called this behavior “men loving their wives and laying their lives down”.

A man who follows his wife and gives in to her every want while she leads the household is not a man laying down his life.

1Co 11:8-9 “For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.”

Every man has been called with a specific purpose by God. A man is directed by God and led by God to do and accomplish certain things during his life’s span. Every man is given a measure of faith, has been given specific gifts, and has been commissioned and tasked with work to be done on Earth for God’s eternal purposes and for the Kingdom of God. A man’s calling, his work and ministry are a really big deal.  

The woman was created and given to a man to support him in his work and his purposes. Women were created for the sake of men. The word “sake” (Greek word “dia”) means “for the reason of, because of, for the purpose of”. A woman was created to support a man in his purpose and work. Women were given to men for companionship, fellowship, love, friendship, to birth his children, and to work in the man’s home (Titus 2:3-5).

The Bible addresses men 93 times with the term “your household”. Men, everything in your household is yours and is your responsibility. This includes your wife. The furniture is yours. The clothing is yours. The cup in the kitchen cabinet is yours. Everything belongs to you. Your wife has been given to you to help you for your purposes. If your wife is sick and can’t work, you have to take care of her duties, because it’s yours. Not because she told you to do it.

Imagine that you owned a restaurant, and you had employees that you had hired (for your sake) to take care of all the tasks. If an employee become sick one day or they quit, you have to take care of the work. You have to show up and do the dishes. As a man, you need to possess your household and take ownership so that you can see the roles and functions of you and your wife in the proper light. 

Of course, you probably feel like your wife owns half of your possessions. This is because you invited her and gave them to her. You invited her to share your household with you when you asked her to marry you. She has joined you with what you are doing. She lost her last name at marriage and took your last name. If her life before marriage were represented by a car she was driving, she left the car she was driving by herself and she got in the car you are driving. She became a part of your household based on your invitation.

Perhaps you and your wife have both worked and built your home together. Realize that your wife was created and given to you for your sake. She is your helper. You are not her helper (although you willingly help her at times). The work, labor, money, and possessions that your wife has contributed to build your shared home together has really been your wife contributing to build “your home”. Lovingly, you share it with her and you consider it “our home”, but ultimately you are responsible. She has been given to you as a helper for your sake.   

I encourage you to possess your household. What does it mean to possess something? You own it. You wear it. You feel the weight of it. You put your hands on it and pull it to yourself and say, “this has been given to me, it is mine. I am also responsible for every aspect of it.” Walk around your house and look at it. Walk around your property. The Lord gave this to you. It is yours. You have invited your wife to share it with you. You invited her to take the role of perhaps cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, buying the groceries. But these are only roles. Ultimately, it is 100% your responsibility as the man to make sure the laundry is done and the house is cleaned. What a sweet wife you have if she is willing to perform those duties for you!

Before your wife married you, she was in her father’s household and she belonged to him. When she married you, she left her father and joined your household and took your name. She no longer has her father’s name. She has been given to you for your sake and for your purposes. This is why you must remember that she is a fellow heir of the grace of life. This is why you must remember to lay your life down and love her (more on this in a moment).

What about a woman’s calling and purpose in the Kingdom of God? Women certainly have callings from God, ministry, and functions in the church. But if a woman is married, her first calling is to the needs and leadings of her husband.

Eph 5:23 – “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.”

A man is called to shepherd and lead his wife as her head. This is not a co-leadership position. As a man, you are responsible to teach the Bible to your wife. You are responsible to care for her emotionally, physically and spiritually. She is yours. You are her head. You are to shepherd your wife. You should know what spiritual books your wife is reading. You should guide and shepherd her regarding what teachings she recently heard. Is this controlling? No. It is shepherding. It is love. What if you disagree with certain points that another man made during a teaching or message you both heard together? Your wife should be in agreement with you first, not the pastor. You are her head. The pastor is not her head.

If you want to know the proper roles of a husband and a wife, look at Christ and the church.

Eph 5:22-33 “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”

Ephesians 5 tells us that the marriage between a husband and a wife is a picture of the real – Christ and the church. Apart from worship, the way that Jesus and the church relate are exactly the way a husband and wife are to relate to each other. Is it proper for the church to correct Jesus? Is it fitting for Christ to follow the church? Is it right for the church to tell Jesus what He should do and when He should do it?

We were created for the sake and purposes of Jesus, not the other way around. The church follows Christ. Jesus does not follow the church. Jesus and the church are not co-leaders. One is the head, the other is the follower.

Do your roles and the way you relate in your marriage mirror that of Christ and the church? People usually respond with, “But men are not Christ. Men are fallible and Christ is not. I can’t expect my wife to follow me all the time because I am a fallible man”.

True. Men are flawed and are with error. But flawed husbands are still the head of their wife.

Let me remind you of Eph 5:24

“But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.”

Everything. Everything includes when a man leads with an idea that was a mistake.

I have never told my wife in 35 years to “submit to me”. The verse above is written to the ladies. Nowhere does the Bible tell men to enforce the submission of their wives. I highly recommend you allow the Lord and the other ladies your wife is in fellowship with to instruct your wife regarding submission.

1Pe 3:1 “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives,”

Notice in Eph 5:24 and 1 Peter 3:1 that a wife’s submission to her husband is not contingent on him being right or her agreeing that his leading is of God. Just like the church doesn’t decide to follow Christ “if she agrees”.

Because men are fallible and can make poor choices, many men have abdicated their role as head of their wife. Many women also reserve the right not to follow their husbands for the same reason. Many women do not submit to “everything”. They especially will not submit if they don’t agree with their husband’s leading (disobedient to the word).

If we only submit when we agree, it is not really submission at all.

The roles in a marriage are the same as the roles as Christ and the church. As mentioned before however, women are not to worship their husbands as the church worships Christ.

It is great if your wife has suggestions and ideas for how to run the home or what needs to happen regarding this or that. But you are the head. Take your wife’s ideas and suggestions and consider them before God. But don’t follow her ideas blindly just because she said it. Possess your household. Possess your ministry and your work. Possess your plans and your daily tasks. You as the man, are the head of your wife. She is not to order you around. You are not “her boy”. You are not her errand runner. You are not at her beck and call. Your wife should not “tell you” the list of things that you need to do in a day. She is not the manager in charge. You are. She is here for your sake. You are not here for her sake.

If this seems difficult for you because of the nature of your current relationship with your wife, it is because you have given your wife power over you that you should not have given her. You need to take it back. Your wife is not over you, in any way. She is not superior. She is not your head in any regard or in any area. She is not your mother. You are the man, and she is your wife that you have taken along with you on your journey to serve God.

1Co 9:5 “Do we not have a right to take along a believing wife, even as the rest of the apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?”

Notice the language here in 1 Cor 9. You are taking a wife “along with you” with what you are doing. Your life is not about what your wife wants, her plans, her preferences, her agendas. Although we are told to lay our lives down for our wife and love her, this doesn’t mean that our life becomes what she wants. You have things that you are called to do and your wife is given to you to go with you in your work.

1Co 7:29 “But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none.”

Is Paul saying that married men should ignore their wives and live as though they are single men? No. But he is saying that a man’s life should not be completely wrapped up in his wife. Love your wife, give to her, lead her, enjoy her – but remember that you have very important work in the Kingdom of God that you are called to. Stay sober and alert. Your first calling is not to cater to your wife’s needs. She is only a woman. She is not God. Remember Adam’s sin. He left God and followed his wife. Eve became the leader and Adam followed her, introducing sin into the entire human race.

Invite your wife to join with you as you fulfill your work and your ministry. At times, you are to lay down what you are doing (your life) in order to meet the needs of your wife. The frequency of laying down your life will vary from season to season depending on the need. But as a general guideline, how often should you love your wife and lay your life down for her? Often, would be the norm.

Most days I do something kind for my wife, sometimes many things. She has plenty of gardening projects and things to do on our little farm that she asks for help with. When she requests something, I realize that I don’t have to do it. But most of the time I choose to lay aside something else I am doing in order to love her and give to her.

This is an important distinction. Because your wife is not your task master, every request she has should not be an automatic “yes” inside of you. Although you may do things for her as often as you would if it were an automatic yes, you should feel and experience yourself laying your life down and choosing to give (if that is how God is leading you in any given situation).

1Pe 3:6 “just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.”

This verse is written to women. Sarah called her husband lord (small “L”). For centuries women have referred to the man of the house as “my lord”. Lord simply means “the one with the authority, master, ruler”. The man is the master of his household. The man is the head of the wife. Christ is the head of the man.

A man and a woman in just about any other time era than today would be appalled at how men and women relate to each other in modern Western culture.

You Should Not Be Ordered Around By Your Wife

During the first few years of our marriage, my wife and I were learning our roles and how to relate to one another. Some of these were tough times. We were young at the time and we didn’t have a lot of healthy examples from the way we were raised.

On one occasion, my wife said to me, “You need to pick up that diaper”. I paused because something just didn’t seem right. This type of language from your wife may sound innocent enough to the modern man, but to me it did not. Something wasn’t right about this statement. As we discussed it, I explained to my lovely sweet wife that I would much prefer that she “ask” me to do this or that. I don’t want to take marching orders from my wife because it is not fitting. “Do you mind picking up the diaper?” “Sure I will”. Much better.

Eph 5:33 “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”

You might not find it disrespectful to be told what to do from your wife, but you should. As a man, if you had your roles correct and saw things properly, you should cringe if your wife were to boss you around. Do you think the church should tell Jesus, “You need to do this”? Obviously a husband is not the same as Jesus. However, the roles are the same. It is not proper for the church to tell her Head (Jesus) what to do. Nor is it proper for a wife to tell her husband (her head) what to do. Rather, we ask our head. If we don’t like something, we appeal. We learn to have a conversation but without leaving our place. The same thing applies to a marriage. An appeal from a wife to a husband is a beautiful thing. In order to appeal to her husband during a difficult request, a wife might say, “Can you please help me to understand your leading in this situation? I want to join with you but I am having a hard time understanding where you are coming from.”

Be Subject One to Another

After reading passages like Ephesians 5:22 which say “wives are to be subject to their husbands”, men are always quick to point out these days that “we are to be subject to one another” quoting Ephesians 5:21. Meaning, that husbands should also be subject to their wives. This is very incorrect.

First of all, notice what Paul does immediately after he says, “be subject one to another”. He addresses the wives specifically to avoid any confusion.

Eph 5:21-22 “and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

He does not tell the husband to be subject to his wife. A man is to be subject to his own wife as much as Christ is subject to the church.

You must understand the Eastern mind during the time of the writings of the Bible. The letters in the New Testament and the instructions in them are often directed toward the men. When specific directions for the sisters are needed, they are addressed separately (1 Cor. 14:34, 1 Ti. 2:9, 1 Ti. 2:15, 1 Ti. 3:11, Titus 2:3, 1 Pet. 3:5).

This does not mean that all the things written in the Bible only apply to men and not to the ladies too. But the primary audience was the brothers. The wives belonged to the brothers and were along with them. Another man is never to instruct your wife. A “pastor” should never provide leadership to another man’s wife. This is the role of the husband of that woman. In essence, if a man is speaking publicly to men and women, he is speaking to the men. The men are then to interpret, filter, and shepherd their wife individually with what they need to hear and take away regarding the message spoken. The head of the wife is her husband, not a pastor or any other man. The apostle Paul was not the head of other men’s wives.  

Mat 14:21 “There were about five thousand men who ate, besides women and children.”

Back to the issue of mutual submission. In Eph 5, After the brothers are told to be subject one to another, specific directions are given in the next verse regarding the women’s role of submission.

Eph 5:21-22 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Notice the clarification given here. The role that men are given as head of the wife does not fit with men submitting or being subject to their wife. The brothers are to be subject to one another. The wives are to be subject to their husbands.

God has placed in nature his order and his eternal truths. Every time a woman corrects her husband and talks down to him, to some degree the man naturally cringes in his gut and is offended (at least he should). He may not show it, but it is a natural response. God gave an internal compass. Every time a man observes a woman in public trying to act like a man and lead with dominance, every man is repulsed. Men may not show it because we have all been trained to not react. But the repulsion is there inside every man (depending on their degree of being feminized). When a man acts effeminate, it is nauseating to other men (unless they are feminized too).

God spoke out of his very nature and the world was created. Throughout creation in the animal kingdom, typically the male of any species is the more majestic of the two genders. Male animals tend to have more brilliant colors, more striking features, and more stately appearances than the female species. Why? Perhaps God who spoke into existence all creation is saying something.

Are women “less than”? Absolutely not. Are women second class citizens? No. Are women door mats? No. Please don’t hear that. God repeatedly puts and exclamation point on the value and extreme importance of women all throughout scripture. Likewise, the church is beautiful, glorious, loved, cherished, and highly valued. But Jesus is the head of the church. The way of Satan and the flesh is to call the truth a lie and a lie the truth. Satan turns everything backwards and upside down in order to destroy and pervert.  

Rom 1:26-27 “For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error.”

The natural function of a man and a woman certainly include sexual roles as we see here. But there are also natural functions of men and women which include roles within the home, leadership responsibilities, and how each gender emotionally processes and responds to the world around them. These dynamics have become flipped and are now backwards in many households. Men are becoming more like women. Women are becoming more like men.

What are some of the root causes of the feminized man?  

The feminized man is usually confused and lacking in his perspective of roles and what it means to love. This problem begins at an early age in the male and it is often passed on to the next generation.

The following explanation is a major cause of the deficits in the modern male:

Perhaps you have seen the movie, “Saving Private Ryan”. On the beach of Normandy France, there are scenes of soldiers being shot and laying on the beach dying in horrific pain and suffering. Some of the soldiers would call out, “Mamma”. These are grown men trained for battle.

This is actually a common response in men who are experiencing deep pain and trauma.  I personally have not experienced being shot and bleeding with my guts hanging out. I admit that I cannot predict what my response would be. I have however experienced significant physical pain and distress throughout my life, as most have. But why would a grown man call out for his mother during great pain and distress in his time of dying?

Because intense suffering has a way of regressing you to your primal instincts. Most men found comfort in their mother when they were a child. Momma was a source of nurturing and safety.

However, a boy is supposed to transition from his mother’s world into his father’s world as he matures. Sometime around the ages of 10-13, a young man should move into a deeper connection with his father and leave the safety and dependency he had as a little child on his mother. This vital transition is becoming lost in our modern age.

A boy will naturally begin to resist the discipline of his mother around this age. He is naturally becoming a man. His father should now be the one to discipline him and train him. He has left the world of the feminine. He is now in the world of the male. As he begins to strongly identify with his father, the boy begins to think like his father, feel like his father and act like his father.

A boy’s father also becomes his source as he becomes weaned from the world of his mother. His father becomes his source of strength, identity, affirmation, and COMFORT. Fathers should physically touch their boys. They should be affectionate. They should wrestle around, hug, work together, play together and talk together about everything.

Men who did not properly experience this transition into the male world when they were young, are often missing many critical psychological perspectives of men and women’s roles and sometimes male identity. Let’s look at some of the repercussions.

Women can seem threatening.

If a man doesn’t know that a woman is a weaker vessel and that he is her head, he can easily feel threatened by his wife or women in general.

Men who transition properly with their father into the male world tend to see women correctly. Women are a wonderful blessing and a gift from God! But a woman is not above a man in any way. A woman is no threat because she is not more powerful than a man, physically or emotionally.

Women are THE source of comfort.

Sexual addictions and pornography are often rooted in men seeing the feminine world as their source of comfort. Remember the suffering soldiers. When humans are stressed, depressed, empty, lonely, discouraged, or in pain; people run to the places they remember are sources of comfort. Often, men who have sexual addictions are actually seeking comfort in the world of the female. They have still not transitioned to their father as source. Pornography places women above men as a source. Your Father is your source of comfort, not your mother or any other woman. 

Can a wife be a source of comfort? Yes. A wife is a partner who is soft and beautiful. She is a friend to talk to and a place of rest. But she is a secondary place. Your wife is not your primary place of comfort or rest. If you run to your wife always as your first source for what you need, you are going to wind up putting her in a place that is unhealthy for both of you. 

Gender Confusion

The development of homosexuality can be a complex process with many causes. Not to oversimplify it; many men become homosexual because they are still longing for the male world. Yet, because they did not transition into the male world and “become” a man themselves, they still feel like a little child. A little child can seem feminine, although the little child persona is really only a lack of strong male qualities (not necessarily feminine). The adult male who did not become a man in his self-identity can confuse the lack of male feelings as being feminine (he feels like a girl).  At the same time, he often longs for the male world outside of himself. Such feelings that are inside of a vessel with adult sexual desires often winds up confused and thinking of himself as homosexual.

Women are to be resisted (fighting).

Your wife is not your mother. You are not her “boy” who is at her beck and call. When a man subtly feels like his wife is a type of mother figure, he ends up either following her or resisting her (like a 12 year old boy would). There is no reason to resist your wife. She needs to be loved and led. You are called to shepherd her, not resist her.

Women are really superior to men.

Perhaps you are convinced that your wife is smarter and better at things than you are. Maybe she is. Your wife may have some great abilities, but she is still a weaker vessel and you are her head. Be careful of listening to your wife first above the voice of your Father, even though she has amazing gifts and talents. You should listen for God first. God very well may speak through your wife. But if you listen to what your wife says immediately because you see her as more capable, you will end up following her and abdicating your position as head.

Gen 3:17 – Then to Adam He said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat from it’; Cursed is the ground because of you; In toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.

“I am called to lay my life down for my wife”.

Of course you are. This is a true statement. But you must have a life first before you can lay it down. If you STAY laid down, you are not laying your life down at all, you have abdicated and have left your role as head and shepherd. When it comes to relating to their wife, many men live continually on their backs laying on the ground with their hands and feet pointed straight up in the air, calling out “Momma, Momma, what can I do to please you? Can I have permission to do this or that? Can I please have some allowance money this week?”  

What does it mean to love our wives as Christ loved the church?

The purpose here is not to discuss child raising, but it’s a good example. If a child were defiantly stealing matches and trying to light the house on fire, it certainly would not be loving to let the child burn the house down. Everyone would agree with taking the matches away. But in order to truly love and lead the child, we must go further.

Love, at times may give someone what they want, but love will always give someone what they truly need. It is not loving to just take the matches away from the child. In order to love the child, the child’s unbroken will and motivations of defiance must be addressed and dealt with. “Time outs”, taking away personal items and privileges do not usually deal with the causes of the problem. These are only mild behavioral modification techniques. Time out teaches the child, “if you are bad, you get isolation”. This is not the truth of how our heavenly Father deals with us when we choose poorly. If we sin, we are not isolated from God or our brothers and sisters.

Love goes further than just ignoring, distracting, or changing the situation. Love breaks the will. Then with intimate and gentle intrusiveness, love deals with the problem of the root issues. Love replaces root issues with new foundations (new heart attitudes) and trains new behaviors. Love and leadership builds and shapes character, it doesn’t just modify behavior.

Obviously, a man’s wife is not a child. She is an adult and a “fellow heir of the grace of life”, but many of the same points apply. Your wife may want this or that. But does she need it? How does this affect the household? Is this what the family needs? How does your wife’s current want – fit with what God is saying and how He is leading you? Remember, your wife is here for you, not you for her. But you must also remember to love her and lay your life down for her. If her current “want” is not really fitting with the direction you are going, it is fine to say “no”. However, at times you may need to “lay down” what your current plans and agenda may be in order to love your wife.

Sometimes, I lay down my life by giving my wife something completely frivolous and not needed at all, but it is something that she wants. She didn’t really need the thing that I gave her, but she needed to feel loved and given to. 

Concluding Recommendations

The information in this letter can be dangerous. Please don’t read this and start making changes right away. Ponder these things in your heart with God. Read the scriptures and slowly assimilate these things into your thinking. Don’t make any outward changes until the inward changes first.

If you currently have an unpleasant relationship with your wife, don’t focus on her being the problem. Don’t try to make her submit. The problem may be with you. You have either taught her how to relate to you or you have allowed it. You must focus on your own change first, and for a long time. Possess your household. Begin to wear inside of your heart who you are as a man. Walk slowly, quietly and with poised inner strength. You rarely need to use your strength. But you always feel it and wear it.

View your wife correctly (without saying anything to her about it). Learn to observe and not react. Observe how she talks to you when it is off-putting, but don’t respond out of a reaction. Be very gentle with your wife. She is the weaker one.

Many ladies are insecure and afraid. Their personalities of dominance are usually formed out of fear responses. Fear that they won’t be taken care of, fear the won’t be loved, etc. Your wife is very much like a little girl in her heart. Sometimes, she is a scared little girl. At the bottom of her heart, she wants to follow. She wants to be led by a strong man. This makes her feel safe and loved. When her man is not leading there is a void. This tempts her to fear. When there is a void of leadership, a woman will often step in to lead. When she leads, the man either follows her or he resists her leadership. But the problem will largely be taken care of if the man would only lead his wife.

You are the stronger vessel. Don’t ever use that strength to blow her out of the water. Use your power and strength to be still inside when she reacts. You need to learn to take a punch. When scared little girls react, they can “act” aggressive and dominant. Just smile inside and be quiet. Offer your wife a hug instead of sharp words. Love her and be a rock-solid place of security for your lovely wife.

-Terry Stanley